Big Girls Don’t Cry

lol, nope I’m not going to post a lyric of that song.

Well, I’m suffering from hard time again. Another Friday, another rainy day, another days to be survived. And still, I haven’t found a distraction from the things I shouldn’t think. Every second I live and pass, I doubt my self that everything gonna be okay cause there are some passive people –including me- who won’t clean up the mess they did. *cursing head* *flip table*

I didn’t cry about this again. And I don’t know whether I’m angry or sad or disappointed. I don’t know what should I feel and do. I don’t know what am I doing right now. I just feel emptiness overloaded and excess stress that I just want to bury myself.

No matter what’s going on right now, I prefer to keep silent because I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to act. I want to know how is my condition actually, where I stand, who stand with me, I want to know so that I know what path I should take.

I want to know, how actually people feel about me. About my existence, about their feeling towards me, about how my attendance is disturbing them or not. Because I’m so clueless that I have no idea about what the hell is going on out there. I know, I should never care about others judgement but since this is being harder and harder, I just want to know if I ever did something wrong to them, or ignored them so they ignore me, dumped them so they dump me, and else and else.

I tend to get insecure about many things. And as always, it success to stress me. This is freaking crazy that I keep on holding on onto something fragile, scatter, and unsure. And they are seems like enjoying my insecurities. They didn’t help me at all. They didn’t over explanation or solution. Every sin we made are tend to be ignored and unexplained, cleared. That I don’t know it’s already over or not. I don’t where this are going. Are we going to nowhere and fighting for nothing?

It’s just a sad thing that I’m not as strong as I thought I would be. It’s still hard for me to let go. But I’ve accepted the fact that…. yea, you know what I mean.

Sure this are still hard things to be used of but all I have to remember is that “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. Every strong lady will be the reflection of their incredible man. Well, I believe everything we give will be back to us, both the bad and the goods. That’s why I never regret of fall for someone even though they don’t always chase me every time I fall. I never regret to fight for someone that I love. And I never regret every second I spend which is be paid with betrayal.

Cause someday, I believe there will be a man who does the same thing for me. No matter what I do, he will still be there. And he will never regret of fight for me. Cause that’s the same thing I did for him.

Well, every hurts and pain are worth to be experienced. At least they teach me how to be strong. I can’t blame someone about their feeling because that’s something unexpected and I can’t force them to own the same feeling with me.

Big Girls will suffer from this hard time. They will find a way because they always do.

So, dear big girls out there, do not cry over some shitty things. You are not a weak person, you stand up on your own two feet. You will be those lady with a class. You will reach your every dream. Because only strong people who will be success in this world.

Nachte.

He is not a constellation.
You should not wish to be the cigarette touching his lips.
He will not appear through the fog and heal your wounds.
Only you can do that.
So get out of bed and put on some lipstick.
Stop falling at his feet.
Save yourself.

-Emery Allen

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