Dude, am I drunk?

I write this in the middle of my depression due to the Botany exam tomorrow.

Today I read some authors tweets and read some books too. And the melancholy part of me is floating on the surface. Huhuhu my mood swing goes from Indonesia to Korea, from Europe to Asia, from Australian beach-boys to my Korean boys, from Taylor Lautner to Shim Changmin, from Logan Lerman to G-Dragon. Okay stop. I mean like my mood swing is getting worse recently. And it’s kind of disturbing thing.

For the example I laugh out loud at someone stupid jokes and in the next hours I just want to hug my self because I read a book and it is so sad 😦 –sad story always get me. Anyway I’m going to tell that my moods these day just like my shuffling iTunes; from Muse to TVXQ, from Nirvana to Debussy, from Black by GD to La Vie en Rose (really, I should make a music review for my playlist and update it every 3-6 months). It is soooo random. Huhuhu. If you are guessing what my mood tonight is the answer is…. nothing. I’m not happy neither sad. I hate people but I don’t want them to go. I just want to hate them. Oh whatever happens to me these days, isn’t someone fault anyway. Picking from one of my favorite song: “it’s my self and I” So just forget em.

I need to continue writing. Today is Sunday and my exam finally ended.

I’m just fucked up of some things lately. I don’t brag them, I keep silent and pretend that it was okay and everything is on the track, but I lie. It just fucked me time by time, I see people are just want to dumped me. I’m not more than a trashy thing come into their life. Yet I still want to be around people but deep in my heart I know that I mean nothing for them. And it all left me clueless and disappointed.

Hell no, I’m not being a bitch right now, I’m just giving up on some people. If they want me in their life please show me the effort or else, they’ll better know the exit cause I don’t mind if they leave. I used to be left alone. And stay lonely sometimes fits me well –at least I don’t need to act okay.  I’m just tired fighting for people, they’ll not do the same thing for me, I’m sure –I’ve said that I’m not more than a trash, or trash-bin. I’m not going to hold them tight, if they want to forget me or leave me just do it now, no need to feel sorry for me cause it doesn’t change everything, neither you’ll stay with me nor I’ll gonna beg for you to stay.

I’m not bringing my problem into public, it’s better if I just dealing with these peps but things doesn’t seem to be good in this way so… I don’t know what to do then I just do nothing. So I don’t brag anyone. But I’m angry to be honest.

I hate trapped in insecurities I bet you everyone too, but some people just want to be secure without giving securities into others. Some people just want all and give nothing. Well done peps! 🙂

I found out that some people really like talking behind my back, some people just want me to fall and some people just want to stab me right from the back. AND HELL, GO DO IT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! Do whatever you want I’m not going to care even just one glance of what you’re doing!

But still my mood is changing randomly like for example it goes from Lovesick Fool to Hurts Like You (anyway both are sad song so yea forget it), but it’s not as disturbing as it in the past few days. I found myself prefer keep everything by myself cause I FORGET HOW TO TRUST PEOPLE. Selfish, egoist and opportunist –oh, I’m included in this type HAHA. I will never be good enough or at least okay for some people. I’ll always on the bad side and all I can only do is giving fake smile 🙂 Hey people, I love you for doing this on me! I really want to kiss all of you with my shoes anyway.

I tried my best to start everything and give a chance but I’m just tired begin from the first time, I’m tired of adaptation, I’m tired of these things…. it’s not like after all I’ve done they’ll gonna do the same they’ll just going to throw me away, tear me apart, break me down, and else and else. Simple questions I want to ask everyone who their life interference mine are: WHAT DO I’VE DONE TILL YOU DO THIS TO ME? DID I DO SOMETHING UNAPOLOGETIC? JUST TELL ME PLEASE, I’M NOT EDWARD CULLEN SO I CAN’T READ YOUR MINE.

And hell yeah, I’m pathetic enough to still stay close to them, naive enough to still love them.

But it hurts me deep inside, I just don’t want to let them know that I’m hurt inside, that I’m really angry with myself, that I’m disappointed, that my expectation never fulfilled, that I know I’m not worth to fight for. It hurts so much until it doesn’t hurt at all because I’m almost insensitive to that kind of pain. But I want to taste it again and again, I’m masochist enough to let it happen all over again 🙂

I know I’m not even the smartest person they ever know
I know I’m not beautiful like another young girl
I know I’m not rich enough to treat them and go to party
I know I’m not kind enough to be their best friend
I know I’m not well enough on doing some things
and I know I’m not worth enough to be loved

But at least I try.

I try to study so you don’t have to call me stupid idiot
I try to dress proper enough to meet them
I try to not envy with their new gadget and parties and at least I don’t steal their things
I try to smile and help as much as I could
I try to do things even if I know from the start it will not going to work just to make them happy
and I try not hoping anyone will love me back cause I don’t deserve.

After all, all I can say is: Please stop blaming me and Please stop acting like you want to stay with me.

I’m already fulled with those lies. It’s so much until I want to vomit. Haha.

If you ever think you are going to fight for me and show me that I’m worth, think twice thrice quad and don’t ever regret it. I promise I’ll fight for you for more. But if in the process you are unsure, just leave.

If I’m in love with you and you are in love with someone else, go with the one you love. I’m a love lover. If I truly love you, your happiness is more important than mine. But don’t feel sorry or apologize because we don’t share the same feeling because it’s not your fault. Just pretend nothing happen.

If you love me and I’m not in love with you, don’t judge before you asked me. I go with some boy, but doesn’t mean it was a date. Really people has to stop concluding before asking. Maybe I’m in love with you too but I’m too naive, too say in person so I prefer to forget you with go with this boy. But if I really don’t love you, it’s okay you are angry with me but I only can offer you a friendship and I’m not going to talk about your feeling.

If I do something wrong and you don’t like it, just say to me. I don’t read mind, I read books. I don’t listen to your heart, I listen to your mouth. Even if I’m just an acquaintance of you or I’m your best friend or  I’m your girlfriend just tell me it solves things better and faster. I would appreciate you for more.

There’s so many things I want to say but… at least I just want people know… They deserve to be loved. And someday I want them all to hug their self so they don’t hurt themselves and kiss their life with happiness.

I’m sorry if I ever angry to you all. But I want you to know I’m only human and I can’t please all of you. I’m so sorry.

But everyone, I love you. If I don’t love you today, I try to love you tomorrow. I’ll try to love you, seriously. None of you are allowed to be hated.

This is enough for me today.

Goodnight. XOXO.




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