Stupid Girl

This is non-Kpop related post.
Just a post from a teenage girl.

I don’t have to tell the world about my feeling. But I hate the situation like this. Too complicated for a little girl like me.

I know that I used to this feeling. I could handle it. But as the time passes, I understand that it was not good for me. I always kind of ‘okay, this gonna be fine’ or ‘just forget it’. But the real is that I never solve this situation.

It happen when a boy walking into my life. I was that kind of girl who (actually) never care about dating, like at all. Thou, I had some ex-s, I though that dating wasn’t important. I didn’t have many friends at that time. I hated them, I hated a lot of peps. I hated them for asking me to be something I’m not. I only cared about my school, fangilrling and something like that. But I had good friends ofc.

But this boy –I’ll never told the name- was kind of normal girl’s dream boy. He was very famous, or not, I didn’t know. But I knew him. The story was long until I finally fall in love. A one side love. I though that it wasn’t the first time I fall in love but the feeling… it wasn’t same as the previous. It was kind of I’ll do anything for this man. It was kind of I’ll have to be better for him. It was kind of indescribable feeling. I still don’t get it until now. Anyway, I was truly, deeply, and madly in love. But again, this was reality. He didn’t in love with me like AT ALL. We love drama right?

And the time passes again, I tried to, I did try to forget him, to get him over, to realized the reality, to face the truth. He only used me. I collected all the hate, I collected the reason. But, it always end up that I didn’t have any right to hate him that way. Feeling was something complicated and it was okay for me to accept the fact of one side love. But still, I don’t have any idea if it was my first love or not. But overall, this was the strongest feeling.

I lived without him for 2 years. I had another drama with another boy but still, it wasn’t special. I thought that we never met each other again. Seriously, no contact for 2 years. No news, no friends telling, nothing happen. Like it was gone, really gone. Like a signal that I had to forget him that way.

But…. BOOM! I met him again. It was kind of weird because it was in the crowed place and many people were there. I didn’t have any idea why he smiled when see me. Why he recognized me? Why he didn’t feel sorry for the things he has done to me? Why he appeared? Why I saw him? Why he looked at me? Why he had to standing there? Why him? Why not another people? I was shocked. Dazed too.

He was good looking, yes. But that wasn’t the reason. It was him, it was him who always stay in my heart waiting the right time to float again. It was him, who never say sorry and walking to my life again. It was him who didn’t understand the difference between being nice and too nice. It was him who text another girl when he still having a girlfriend. It was him, I always want so bad.

After the accident, I pretended not to care (but it was lie, I cared, totally) we still didn’t say hi to each other. I didn’t have any idea after the one side feeling for years –he knew that too- then I say ‘hey’ to him? No.

But again, in a social media, he said hey to me (at that time I didn’t know he had social media, pft) it pissed me off. I was kind of girl who not reply a senior hello was something rude, not polite. But the conversation goes well then we end up share our phone number.

Shortly, I was in love in him. Again. And again.

I kept in touch with him although sometimes I faced the bad times with him. I hated him so much until I want to burn his head, slamming him on the door and anything I could do to make him disappeared. I am frustrated to be very honest.

We dated, going out together, he went to my house, my parents know him. But we… weren’t a couple. I didn’t know what he was thinking about me, about his feeling towards me, I never know. I always doubt the idea that he was in love with me. It was me who in love with him… it was only me who wanting him so bad until it feels hurt and still doesn’t make sense. It was only me who waiting him all over again, collecting the pieces of my heart, falling-broken, and it was me who always forgive him.

I don’t know why I am like this. When one of my ex caught cheating, I didn’t give him him second chance, I didn’t forgive him. I didn’t think twice to break up with him. But when this man dating a girl, I still hoping that he will at least, not leave me again. I know I am stupid. I promised to my self not in love with him again, but can’t help my self.

Thinking that he will continue his study in another city makes me quite afraid. I want the best for him but again, I don’t know what will happen between us after our second separation. I’ve been with him for all this time and I’m sure I will cry if he really goes there. I’m not his girlfriend. So I don’t have any right to control him. My prestige is quite high I will never tell him how much I love him or how much I miss him and want him so bad. I never talk about my feeling. But I do believe he knows, everyone knows how much I love him.

I don’t know what will happen after this. But again, he’s the place for me to run. Everytime I’m stuck I find him. When I need help after my bestfriend can’t help, I call him. I’m very depending on him. My friend said that he is very nice to me. He will always say yes for everything I ask for.

I will miss his fingers. I will miss holding his hand. I will miss his laugh, I will miss him so much.

Why can’t I just forget him and make this thing easier? Again, I love hurting my self, my feeling especially. Maybe this is called as addiction. But the pain makes me feel alive. I love the pain when he breaks my heart soooo slowly. Everything is fine when he’s around me. Even, he’s not my boy and I’m not (officially) his girl. But I’m okay.

But when he goes. What will happen with me? Can I stop thinking about him? What is he doing? Who is the girl he date? How he looks right now? Is he still the same?

I’m not that kind of girl who give my life to someone I love. I will still life. I will be a college student. I will meet new people. But again, I don’t have any idea when I come into the time I miss him so freaking much.

Does he love me? Does he want to save me to be his last? Does he afraid break up with me if we are in a relationship? Or what?????? Why he is so nice. Too nice. He is nicer than my bestfriend. He says yes for everything, he gives everything I asked. But why we keep like this? I don’t need a relationship. I’m happy as long as he is with me.

But when he goes. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know whether we can’t meet each other again or not. I don’t know he will remind me or not.

But for a thing I’m sure above. He has been the best.

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